Fushigi Yuugi explains Passover
by dodger-chan
Summary: The final chapter. Includes Deus ex Machina
1. Baby in the Basket

While sitting at Seder last night, when I should have been concentrating on remembering the four questions in Hebrew, I was instead daydreaming of Fushigi Yuugi. As the following proves, this was a bad idea. Too late now. Onto the disclaimers

I do not own Fushigi Yuugi. Nor YuGiOh, nor Passover. The only research done for this story has been to attend Seders for 18 years and a temple pre-school, so specific details may be a little off. I will accept criticisms of the story, but not of my religion. Ands before anyone says it, Tamahome has already been banned from the story. Happy Passover and Easter and any other holiday I don't know about.

dodger-chan:    Many years ago, the Israelites lived and prospered in the land of Egypt. Until one day when a new pharaoh came to power

[Enter Yami and advisors]

Yami:               The Israelites are not truly our people. They do not acknowledge me as a god. We could not trust their loyalty in was. Something must be done about them.

dodger-chan:    And so the pharaoh enslaved the Israelites. 

Kaiba:              My lord.

Yami:               What?

Kaiba:              I have read in the stars that this year, a boy will be born to the slave race who shall grow to lead them from slavery.

Yami:               Very well. [considers] Have all male babies born to the Hebrews thrown into the Nile.

Kaiba:              It shall be so.

dodger-chan:    And it was so. But one mother kept her son's birth a secret.

[enter Soi carrying a basket]

Soi:                  Now, technically I am following the pharaoh's instructions since I am putting him in the river. He never expressly forbade baskets.

dodger-chan:    The unfortunate mother left her child in the river. His sister followed the basket as it floated north.

Suboshi:           I'm not playing a girl!

dodger-chan:    Well, I guess Yui could do it…. but she really wanted to be Aaron.

Suboshi:           Yui-sama?

dodger-chan:    Miriam's the only other part that would let you be related to Amiboshi.

Suboshi:           Aniki? I'll do it.

[enter Suboshi as Miriam]

dodger-chan:    Arigato. Miriam followed the basket downriver. Hearing splashes, she noticed the pharaoh's slightly embarrassing son had come to bathe. Miriam hid in the rushes and watched.

[enter Nuriko with attendants] 

Nuriko:             That's pharaoh's daughter. [back in character] Oh! A basket! What could be in it? Bring it. [it is brought] A baby?

dodger-chan:    Cautiously, Miriam approached the pharaoh's…. daughter

Suboshi:           Do I have to call him "my lady"?

dodger-chan:    If you're rude to her, she might just throw your aniki to the crocodiles.

Suboshi:           My lady, I know a Hebrew woman who could nurse him for you.

Nuriko:             Have her brought. 

[Suboshi exits]

dodger-chan:    Miriam brought her own mother to the pharaoh's son.

Nuriko:             Daughter!

[enter Suboshi and Soi]

Nuriko:             [con't.] If you nurse this child for me, I shall pay you. 

Soi:                  I would be honored to serve you, My lady. [aside] Such joy to be able to nurse my own son. 

dodger-chan:            And Moses's life began at the pharaoh's palace.

Next time: Moses grows up.

Be nice and review. 


	2. Gold and Fire

Of course Amiboshi is Moses. Who else would fit? Thanks for reviewing. Keep in the spirit of humor.

dodger-chan:    The pharaoh took the child into his house despite objections.

[enter advisors and pharaoh carrying chibi Amiboshi]

Kaiba:              Not that I would question your divine judgment, but this child is of the slave race, and he was born in the right year to be the threat I saw in the stars. You have seen him try to take the crown from your head. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Yami:               That the child likes shiny objects? 

Kaiba:              He wishes to take your power.

Yami:               He's three.

Kaiba:              At least test the child.

Yami:               Very well.

dodger-chan:    Moses was presented with a lump of gold and one of hot coal. 

[gold and coal are brought to chibi Amiboshi]

Yami:               If he takes the gold, which is less shiny than the coal, then he is a threat and must be killed.

dodger-chan:    Though Moses reached for the gold, an angel pushed his hand toward the coal.

[Tasuki pushes chibi Amiboshi's hand to the coal, but Chichiri throws a bucket of water on both of them]

Tasuki:             You bastard! I'm gonna-

dodger-chan:    Tasuki! I don't want to have to change the rating of this story. Chichiri?

Chichiri:            I couldn't let the boy burn for real, no da.

dodger-chan:    True, but warn me next time.

Chichiri:            If you want, no da.

dodger-chan:    Well, Moses burnt his hand on the coal and being a little kid put his hand in his mouth. With the coal still in it. This caused a stutter. 

Yami:               Look what you've had done to this boy! I should have you killed for your suspicions. 

Kaiba:              Of course, my lord.

[exeunt]

dodger-chan:    When Moses was older, he began to notice the palace slaves, though he was unaware that they were his people. 

[enter Amiboshi, and Tomo, dragging Yui by the hair]

Yui:                  If you weren't already dead, you so would be.

Amiboshi:         What are you doing?

Tomo:              She's a slow worker. She's been scheduled to be beaten to death to encourage the other slaves. [raises hand to strike Yui but thinks better of it and waits for Amiboshi's response]

Amiboshi:         I can't do it.

dodger-chan:    You're supposed to kill him.

Amiboshi:         I just can't. 

Yui:                  Your brother could stand in. He's killed Tomo before.

dodger-chan:    No, there's no sense wasting a perfectly good villain. I'll use Tomo later. Just hit him.

Amiboshi:         Okay. [Hits Tomo]

dodger-chan:    Now Tomo…play dead. [Tomo falls over and plays dead] Afraid he'd be punished for killing a servant of the pharaoh, Moses ran away to a place of peaceful shepards.

In the next exciting installment, Amiboshi talks to the voice of God (whomever that may be….)


	3. God in a Bush

Without further ado, part III

dodger-chan:    Moses spent several years in the small village raising sheep. While he was doing this, a new pharaoh came to power (as in Yami died and his son who was not Nuriko took over). The new pharaoh was exceptionally cruel to the slaves and the time came for divine intervention. One day Moses was tending to sheep.

[enter Amiboshi with sheep; a bush spontaneously combusts]

Amiboshi:         Fire!

Sheep:              Baaa!

Hotohori:          [in deep, God-like voice] Obviously.

Amiboshi:         Mister, Sir, you gotta get out from under the bush or you'll burn.

Hotohori:          You fail to grasp the entire situation. Watch the bush.

Amiboshi:         It's not burning. And yet it's on fire.

Sheep:              Baaa!

Tasuki:             That's 'cuz I'm here with the f-

dodger-chan:    Tasuki!

Tasuki:             -freaking tessen. And Chichiri keeps bringing more f- damn kindling.

Chichiri:            Wouldn't it have been easier for Suzaku to do this, no da?

Hotohori:          But my lovely voice sounds much more god-like.

dodger-chan:    Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of the whole monotheism deal.

Chichiri:            Good point.

dodger-chan:    And now that the minor religious detail has been dealt with, back to work.

Sheep:              Baaa!

Amiboshi:         So you're God?

Hotohori:          Yes. And you have been chosen to lead your people out of slavery and into the Promised Land. 

Amiboshi:         "Promised Land"? With capital letters?

Hotohori:          Yes. 

Amiboshi:         Cool. But how?

Hotohori:          You shall see the pharaoh and demand he release your people.

Amiboshi:         Not to question Your Divine Guidance, but what makes you think he'll go for it?

Hotohori:          You shall prove to him that God will protect you, while his statues and trinkets can do nothing.

Sheep:              Baaa!

Amiboshi:         How?

Hotohori:          When you throw your staff on the ground it will become a snake. Pick it up by the tail and it shall again be staff. Hide your hand under your cloak and it shall become leprous--

Amiboshi:         What?

Hotohori:          Could you wait a minute for me to finish? Humans, they never listen. In any case, you'd think the chosen leader of the Chosen People could have a little more faith. Put it back under your cloak and it will become healthy again. If that does not work, remove some water from the Nile river. When you pour it on the ground, the water will turn to blood.

Amiboshi:         And if that doesn't work?

Hotohori:          Your people shall be freed. I'll back you up.

Amiboshi:         What about the stutter?

Hotohori:          You sound fine to me.

Amiboshi:         It's only written that way so everyone can understand it. It really sounds awful. 

Sheep:              Baaa!

Hotohori:          Your brother Aaron will speak for you.

Amiboshi:         And how will we get in to see the pharaoh?

Hotohori:          Why do you want me to think of everything?

Amiboshi:         Because you're omniscient.

Sheep:              Baaa!

Hotohori:          dodger-chan? Help. 

dodger-chan:    The pharaoh should be willing to see you. You and he were raised as brothers before you faked your own death and ran away abandoning your people to avoid taking responsibility for your actions.

Chichiri:            Moses didn't fake his own death no da.

dodger-chan:    Oh yeah. I guess I was just talking to Amiboshi then.

Sheep:              Baaa!

Amiboshi:         The Seiryu Seishi weren't truly my people. 

dodger-chan:    Including your brother? But we seem to be getting off topic. Will you go?

Amiboshi:         Yes.

dodger-chan:    Then get off to Egypt!

Sheep:              Baaa!

dodger-chan:    And someone get rid of those sheep!

Next time in the Passover story: The pharaoh. (three guesses)

The plagues will probably be combined, though each really deserves its own chapter. I'd hoped this would be finished with the holiday, but I'm running out of Passover. And ranting at Amiboshi wasn't too off topic, it's why he got the part of Moses in the first place. 


	4. The Pharaoh and Some Plagues

Thanks so much for all the reviews. And now for the unveiling of the pharaoh.

dodger-chan:    Moses and Aaron went to see the new, yet not at all improved pharaoh.

[enter Amiboshi and Yui; the two approach a chair next to which are seated Tomo and Miboshi; in the chair sits Nakago]

Nakago:           It's been years since I've seen you, my brother. For what are you back at the palace?

Yui:                  [speaking for Amiboshi] He asks that you let his people go free.

Nakago:           His people? You're of the slave race, Moses? Funny, you don't look Jewish.

dodger-chan:    Watch your mouth, Nazi boy.

Nakago:           I'm not a Nazi!

dodger-chan:    I've got a picture of you in an S.S. uniform.

Nakago:           That was not my idea. Don't blame the character when the author has bad dreams. 

dodger-chan:    Doesn't matter. Just watch your mouth.

Amiboshi:         If you're the author, can't you make him shut-up?

dodger-chan:    Yeah, but that would destroy the improvisational tone of the story. And I wouldn't get to call him a Nazi. 

Yui:                  Can we get back to the story now? 

All:                   Of course. Sure. (etc.)

Yui:                  Will you let us go?

Nakago:           No. 

[Amiboshi throws staff onto the ground and it turns into a snake.]

Nakago:           Big deal, my magicians can do that.

[Tomo and Miboshi do the staff to snake trick; Amiboshi's snake eats their snakes]

Yui:                  And people say the Bible isn't full of symbolism. 

dodger-chan:    No one says that.

Yui:                  Never mind.

Nakago:           The point being, my many gods, of whom I am descended, beat out your one god.

Yui:                  You are just asking for it.

dodger-chan:    None of the suggested demonstrations convinced the pharaoh and so a series of plagues was visited upon the Egyptians. With each plague, the pharaoh promised to free the Hebrews if the plague would go away, but as soon as God lifted the plague, he changed his mind. The first nine plagues are, in the order listed in my copy of the Haggadah are: Blood,

Suboshi:           All the water in Egypt was turned to blood. [dumps a bucket of blood onto Nakago's head and exits]

dodger-chan:    Frogs,

Chichiri:            Literally millions of frogs came out of the river and kinda invaded everywhere no da. [releases many tiny frogs near Nakago's throne]

dodger-chan:    Lice,

Hotohori:          The very dust of the earth became these bothersome insects. [Nothing is dumped on Nakago, since lice would get into everyone's hair and no one wants to pick them out]

dodger-chan:    Beasts,

Ashitare:           Lots of wild animals came to the cities and created a nuisance. [growls menacingly at Nakago]

dodger-chan:    Sickness,

Mitsukake:       The animals became sick and died.

dodger-chan:    Boils,

Nuriko:             People got the most awful blisters and they hurt all over.

dodger-chan:    Hail,

Tasuki:             Flaming hail! [lobs ice cubes at Nakago and pretty much everyone else as well]

dodger-chan:    Locusts,

Miaka:              They ate _all_ the plants that survived the flaming hail and there was no food left. [stomach growls]

dodger-chan:    and Darkness.

Soi:                  The darkness was so thick the people could actually feel it.

dodger-chan:    But since none of those plagues worked a tenth plague had to be inflicted upon the Egyptians.

Amiboshi:            The Death of the Firstborn Son.

Return next time for: The Tenth Plague

There actually is a pic of Nakago in an S.S. uniform. It's based on a dream Yu Watase had, according to the notes next to it. That picture amuses me. The confrontation of snake-staffs was in a Passover coloring book I had as a child. It always seemed a little Freudian to me, but I'm widely recognized as crazy. Oh, and please don't teach Tasuki to make actual flaming hail. He seemed to like it a bit too much.


	5. The Tenth Plague and the end

Well, depending on when this is actually gets put up, it may not be Passover anymore. But it's still Passover while I'm writing it, so it doesn't count as late. Onto the tenth Plague.

dodger-chan:    The tenth plague was, of course, the death of the firstborn son. Essentially, the Angel of Death went house-to-house, collecting eldest males.

Nuriko:             Good thing I'm a daughter.

dodger-chan:    Nuriko?

Nuriko:             What?

dodger-chan:    Never mind. Before this plague could occur, there were some last minute instructions. [hands Hotohori a notecard]

Hotohori:          [reading in a god-like voice] You must mark your doors with lamb's blood-

Amiboshi:         Lamb's blood?

dodger-chan:    What did you think we did with those sheep?

Hotohori:          Is it some modern custom to interrupt God? [clears throat and continues] In this way Death will know to pass over your houses. 

Miaka:              Oh, is that why it's called Passover? [is whapped by Hotohori] ow….

Hotohori:          You must-

dodger-chan:    Speed it up. I'm running a little late here.

Hotohori:          Fine. Eat fast and be ready to leave in an instant. You may not have long. [all wait] That's it, get going. [all run off in a panic]

dodger-chan:    So lambs were slaughtered,

[from off stage: Ba-a-]

dodger-chan:    doors were painted, and the waiting began.

[enter the Twins and Yui]

Suboshi:           I wish I had something to do other than wait..

Amiboshi:         Such as?

Suboshi:           Yo-Yos?

All:                   NO!

dodger-chan:    You can play with these. [hands him two blue yo-yos with menorahs on the sides]

Suboshi:           What are these?

dodger-chan:    Jewseisui. [all faint at hideously bad pun] What?

[Duo enters.]

dodger-chan:    Duo! What are you doing here?

Duo:                 Checking the door for lamb's blood. You don't seem to have any.

dodger-chan:    What we don't have is a door. 

Duo:                 That would be why.

Yui:                  Who are you?

Duo:                 The God of Death.

dodger-chan:    Actually, not in this story. Monotheism and all.

Duo:                 Yeah, yeah. I get that all the time. 

dodger-chan:    Don't you have some Egyptian oldest sons to kill?

Duo:                 Right, gotta run. [waves and exits]

Yui:                  Who was that guy?

dodger-chan:    Um….Death. In any case the pharaoh came looking for Moses, since he was finally scared for his life.

Nakago:           Moses, you must end this plague.

Amiboshi:         Not 'til you let us go free.

Nakago:           Okay.

Yui:                  Say it. Loudly.

Nakago:           [quite loudly] The Israelites are free!

dodger-chan:    Miraculously, the whole country could hear him. So all the former slaves who were already waiting, took off. As usual, however, as soon as the danger passed, the pharaoh changed his mind.

Nakago:           Troops! After the fleeing slaves.

Tomo:              But didn't you say they could leave?

Nakago:           Where did you hear that?

Miboshi:           Everyone heard that.

Nakago:           It doesn't matter! I'm the pharaoh. I can change my mind. Now go.

dodger-chan:    The pharaoh's men pursued the Hebrews to the Red Sea. Trapped between the rushing water and the Egyptian soldiers, there was only one solution. Deus ex Machina. Okay, Amiboshi, part the sea.

Amiboshi:         I can't do that.

dodger-chan:    Oh yeah. We don't have actual divine aid.

[Deathscythe steps over the Egyptians and blocks the flow of water (don't ask how)]

Amiboshi:         What's that?

dodger-chan:    The ultimate Deus ex Machina.

Duo:                 Told you I was a god.

dodger-chan:    Shut up! The water stayed parted until the Egyptians were about halfway across. 

[Chichiri and Tasuki throw water on Miboshi and Tomo]

dodger-chan:    And that is how the Hebrew people got out of Egypt.

Amiboshi:         So they lived happily ever after?

dodger-chan:    Not quite. There's some time wandering in the desert. A war. The Babylonian Captivity. A couple of inquisitions. Not to mention World War II and the Holocaust. This is the real world, Amiboshi. As long as time keeps passing something can go wrong, so there isn't actually a happily ever after. It's more of a 'they lived happily for a while.'

Amiboshi:         Is that enough?

dodger-chan:    It's life. 

I really have a blue yo-yo with a menorah on it. It even plays the dreidel song. Sorry about the bad puns and the general lateness of it all. But if you're reading this and Passover's over, eat a bagel or something. Any bread (daydreams of a tuna sandwich on rye). Sigh.


End file.
